last day of the library and future thinking
Lengthy personal rant incoming.
Today, around 4:30, I'll have the last shift of my life working at the library. I honestly didn't want to quit this job, but unfortunately (but not really) my schooling is taking me away from this city. This job has been so good to me, and it's not lost on me how lucky I am to have actually enjoyed working when so many people have boring, unfulfilling jobs.
This sort of marks my crossing into the next stage of my life, where I'm no longer working a job but building a career. I haven't written about this much, I've been considering it, but I had some pretty ambitious dreams for the last few years that got crushed by things partially in my control, partially not. I'm from a major city in Canada that should be fairly easy to guess (but I think I just like the secrecy of not saying the name out loud!), and for the longest time, I'd like to say 4 years at least, I thought the next natural step for me would be NYC for my university years. The creative communities in Canada in general are good but not at the forefront of anything, and I needed a place that would challenge me, that I would feel overwhelmed in. I thrive on that feeling of conquering, of being put against the odds.
I applied to 2 schools, Pratt Institute and Parsons, but I really only cared about what Pratt had to say as they've been all I've been working towards for the last few years. My plan had been to do architecture if I stayed in Canada, and pursue Fine Arts if I could make it to New York, so I applied for an undecided Fine Arts degree. They let me in on early admission, but without any financial aid. All in all, I would have to pay 80,000 CAD a year, and that's just on tuition and residence. For an undecided art degree. I suspect the reason I didn't get financial aid was because they look at all 4 years of high school, and I was severely depressed in grades 9 and partially 10, due to COVID and also just the nature of growing up. I made a stellar comeback in 11 and 12 however in terms of grades and school involvement which probably kept me in the game, just not enough for them to give me a break on tuition.
While considering my options, I had the realization that a career in the arts could wait for me at any point in my life, but to be an architect I needed school if I wanted to be worth anything in the industry. After begging for a scholarship from Pratt, I also asked to switch my major to architecture. They said if I wanted to switch, I'd have to have my application reconsidered, and it was a much more competitive program. If I didn't get in, I lost the acceptance I already had. I refused, not wanting to risk losing the little achievement I had.
The program I'm going to now is pretty prestigious, as they only accept 20-30 students per year in my particular specialty. While I should be ecstatic, which I am to some degree, every single step I take towards this fall, be it packing for my dorm, picking my courses, etc, I find myself in tears. I think I just can't help but mourn the loss of where I believed I needed to be to grow, to be who I want to be. I'm grateful that I'm able to go to school at all, especially as I'm still in a city, smaller than mine, but a city nonetheless. I'm just bored already. There's no art scene, music scene, anything scene in this city or at this school. I'm sure I'll find my spaces, but I just really wanted to be where the action is.
I've spent all my time for the last few weeks researching summer credit intensives in New York, using LinkedIn more than I ever have before to find firms for internships next summer, so I'm putting the work in to get my name in there. The fact that I'll still be at school here for 4 years is the thing I have still yet to fully accept. I can handle it, but that's the worst part. I don't really feel like I'll struggle here.
Is that psychotic of me? Searching for struggle?
I'm really hoping I'll be pleasantly surprised by my school this coming fall, because I don't really have a choice at this point.