the eternal study struggle
I'm writing to you from my university library, where I'm sat with the following things strewn around me as if I'm conducting some kind of seance:
- A dark roast coffee with a bit of cream that's been lukewarm for about an hour now,
- two clementine peels, soon to be joined by a third,
- a notebook full of half-hearted engineering notes,
- and of course, my trusty, distracting laptop.
A snow storm has rolled over the city today, cancelling the plans I had this evening to attend a dear friend's birthday party. Thus, I have no excuse but to at least try to focus on the schoolwork that I pay to be able to do. There's simply so many other things that I would rather devote my attention to, including but not limited to:
- The new con moto perzine I finished yesterday. I can't believe I've just made my sixth one already. Time is not real in the slightest.
- A prose piece that I've been working on for a local magazine, the draft of which was written in a time where I resonated with the feelings I was writing about much more than I do now. I've been slowly rewriting it in a way that I think fits me more now, in my less heightened emotions.
- I'm reminded of Susan Sontag in her Rolling Stone interview where she said that she needed to finish her interview sooner rather than later as she "may change too much". When asked why she felt that way, she said:
I write partly in order to change myself so that once I write about something I don’t have to think about it anymore. And when I write, it actually is to get rid of those ideas. That may sound contemptuous of the public, because obviously when I’ve gotten rid of those ideas, I’ve passed them on as things that I believe—and I do believe them when I write them—but I don’t believe them after I’ve written them because I’ve moved on to some other view of things, and it’s become still more complicated … or perhaps more simple. (p.42)
In another perzine I made recently, one that's not part of my main lineup, I wrote about spending time hanging in a diner in my city, reading and people watching. I really enjoy this variety of time spent alone, where you're by yourself yet surrounded by people. I find that instead of studying, I'm more just observing the different groups around me in the library, trying to discern from conversational snippets their programs. Discerning all of these stranger's stories. It certainly makes for good writing.
I've been posting my work less, and mailing/giving it out more lately. I've been getting much more enjoyment from letters, emails and conversations than I have from things like comments and likes. Water is wet, fork found in kitchen, social media bad. Point being, I can't wait to be done these exams so I can actually work on the things that excite me. Enough blogging, back to work...