what is the dream?
I've previously written about my struggles with not living up to what I wanted for myself at this point in my life. After spending a few months at uni, I think I have some new thoughts on my situation.
I feel much more fulfilled in my program than I thought I would. The work is challenging, and I find myself putting in many late nights, willingly and joyfully, to get the work done. I think that despite how much I enjoy the school itself, there's that thing gnawing at me of what could've been, who I could've been had things worked out.
I'm really struggling with inspiration and intellectual pursuit in a city that feels so corporate and cold. Everything is normal, there's no peculiarities to this place, even in the most 'artistic' neighbourhoods. I've found a few gems so far, but it all feels derived from cities who've done it earlier and better before. I've spent most of my hours in the studio because it's the one oasis of creativity and intrigue that I have.
A part of me wants to just settle and think, hey, it's really not that bad (because it really isn't). The one thing in my life that I've learned I should never let myself do, however, is settle. It's something that I battle with. For me, settling for what doesn't quite fit me feels like giving up, and while I don't feel like I'm giving up right now, I can see an alternate version of myself who would maybe feel more right than the way I feel now.
In that vein of not settling, there's a few opportunities that I've looked at that could push me more towards that dream life I have in mind, but nothing quite fits there either. Circle in the square hole, etc. I think, in summary of so many other thoughts I have, my school self is fulfilled, but my being in all other facets feels lost, vague.